I don’t think you can really type that and mean it until you live outside the US for a while and feel every part of your self challenged in every way. Living abroad is for some people. I have learned it is not for me, at least not right now.
I am grateful for every single experience I had and more importantly every person, colleague and student I met. The Egyptian people, as many all over the world are seeing now, are a passionate, loving, intelligent, and creative people that are so ready to allow change to happen they took to the streets demanding freedom. rock on Cairo.
And in Lebanon, I met so many people who have touched my life forever in many ways I have yet to understand. thank you for your generosity and passion for living.
At the end of the day, I realized I am a a little too progressive for the middle east – influenced by so many different cultures over my life – lesbian/queer, new age spiritual, NY artistic – what the hell was I thinking? the truth is I wasn’t. I was following my heart – or at least I thought I was. Honestly I still think I was, but then around Nov. my heart changed and it changed very quickly. It said LEAVE NOW. at first I didn’t listen, because that was crazy. I had a a 2 year contract and the school was fine and I couldn’t just leave. Then I grew uncomfortable emotionally and physically. I started to pray about it – because that’s what I do now.
And so I said, dear God, make it clear. If I am supposed to leave make it really clear. And then I grew even more uncomfortable -experiencing deep sadness and lack of sleep. this seemed pretty clear. So, I resigned and headed back to Cape Cod.
Now, on paper, this is not so good. back in MA. no job. no income. no plan. empty.
Thank God for quotes like these:
If we are not empty, we become a block of matter.
We cannot breathe, we cannot think.
To be empty means to be alive, to breathe in and to breathe out.
We cannot be alive if we are not empty.
Emptiness is impermanence, it is change.
We should not complain about impermanence,
because without impermanence, nothing is possible
-Thich Nhat Hanh
Since leaving Beirut, I can feel the balance returning to my being. a sense of stillness, freedom, hope, peace and even of possibility.
None of this makes sense in my head – at least not yet. When I drop into my heart, though, all is well.
thank God for my heart. May it continue to lead me and may I learn to balance and serve myself with gentle truth and compassion, so that I may be in better service of all of Humanity.