ahhhh.. summer is here. at least on Cape Cod right now. After over ten days out in the Pacific Northwest, my return to the Cape, east coast time and the new steamy weather has been a little discombobulating. I love that word: discombobulating.
I am recognizing that sometimes it is easiest for me to either “be on the move”, meaning I am in the flow of travel, other peoples lives, being present and experiencing what is OR I am “totally grounded”, meaning I am in the flow of my own routine where I live with outside structures and demands in place. Where I seem to struggle is in the in between – this place of unknown – like that moment when a wave is not going in or going out. It’s like every insecurity I ever have bubbles up and I reach for something – something tangible – something outside of me.
This reach usually manifests in thoughts like, “Why am I not rich yet?,” “When am I going to get serious and get a real job? Why do I not have a partner and kids? What is my problem? am I totally lying to myself about everything?” These thoughts are so familiar now, they actually make me laugh – at least when I am conscious and able to see that they are not real. That’s the challenge isn’t it? to see the thoughts and not attach to them in any way. Even when the thoughts are “good”.
In spiritual practice, I have heard people teach that it’s the pause between the in breath and the out breath that is the place we are in Union. If this is true, why do the pauses in my own flow of life create so much anxiety and uncomfortableness in my being? perhaps, could it be I really am a control freak posing as a “go with the flow”kind of girl? of course. I am both and always have been. today in this moment and in this world, I am grateful these uneasy feelings don’t lead to me texting lewd photos while holding political office.
They do however lead to other self-destructive behaviors. this is the truth I am allowing myself to see and be with. I read a great quote emailed from a friend in Beirut today: In the midst of CONFUSION I will be still and tell the truth. – Iyanla Vanzant
I love this quote, because this is my practice right now. In the ebb and flow of my own breath I experience confusion. and so, I choose to be still and tell the truth.
I have lots of astrological friends that tell me it’s all about the stars and the eclipses right now. This may be true, but ultimately I still have to live in my being and I am learning no concept outside of myself really works anymore. damn!
and so, I am grateful for my breath and for the truth that is, whatever they may be.