Today is May 17 and a full moon in Scorpio. As someone who is conscious of numbers and moons and universal energy, this is a particularly auspicious day for me. Not only is it the Wesak Full moon, considered a holy day for Buddhists, It marks the 4th year anniversary of my mother’s passing. Now part of me says, so what? Why do we even mark things – especially deaths? isn’t that just living in the past? and yet, I feel something in me coming together like never before as I acknowledge the past 4 years.
I have journeyed far and wide, inside and out and I been blessed to sit in many sacred places. As a result, I am more compassionate, wiser, older, younger, smarter, stupider, funnier, sadder, sillier, more serious, and basically much more of who I truly am. I have seen the darkest parts of me and the lightest parts of me. I am learning like Buddha, sometimes it’s best to take the middle path and like Jesus, you may have to feel the drama of hanging on a cross and then resurrecting like a dove. It’s all good and all here to show me who I am. We are given experiences. It’s our choice how we feel about them. And our feelings are our greatest messengers.
Now, when you are in your shit and are overwhelmed by your feelings, that last sentence may not be so helpful. in fact it may just piss you off. Isn’t that wonderful?
Grief is a personal and a universal process, just like being human. There are many books written about it and proclaimed experts on it. But my truth is, the deepest and most life-changing experiences can never be read in a book or taught to you by someone else. They must be lived, felt, shared and integrated into the unique Being you are. So go into yourself. Feel, Live, Be and Trust. Acknowledge that which you feel you have lost and let it go. Acknowledge that which you are and celebrate it. The world needs us to love ourselves, let go and be compassionate deep within our own hearts. And with this Self Love, we then serve others with purity of heart and grace.
On Sunday, when I attended a memorial mass for my mother at Our Lady of Hope Catholic church in West Barnstable, I was struck by the gift of being born into a catholic religious tradition. Why you may ask? especially given the current state of churches in general. Because through that tradition, I was taught the honor of service to others, service to your parents, service to your children. Amidst all the other stuff I got – fear and guilt, sexual repression, devaluing of the feminine energy, suggestions that we were better than everyone else – I got that Christ and the church was about service. Serve those that need help. And I now realize it was my mother and father (and grandparents and aunts and uncles) that best embodied this and it was their church that helped them do this. so thank you Catholic Church.
On this 4th anniversary of my mothers’s passing I give great thanks to her for being my first teacher and my first human embodiment of God. By her actions and her faith, she showed the power of Being with an energy higher than herself – whether you call that Jesus, Holy Spirit, Buddha, Mother Mary, Ganesha, Higher Power, or God – it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that you honor a space within you that is life-giving and when you are having trouble accessing that space, serve others. It is often the quickest way back to your True Self – JOY.
I am so grateful that on this day and everyday, the voice of my mother is within me and it says, like she so often said in the last ten years of her life:
ALL IS WELL.
I can’t believe there are only 8 days left. What an amazing journey! 
Alicia Mathewson 